


Where Are You?

by amanda_jolene



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-19 12:04:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1468948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amanda_jolene/pseuds/amanda_jolene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chloe rarely felt like she belonged to herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Are You?

Chloe rarely felt like she belonged to herself.

She belonged to her mother, of that she was sure. She had since she was a child and her mother had snatched a lolly out of her mouth and lectured her about sugar. She belonged to beauty magazines that made her feel ugly, boys who wanted her, the one who had had her, and a dead baby that had never stood a chance. She belonged to a wardrobe, a vanity full of make-up, and a diet. Chloe belonged to whatever would have her, which is why she so rarely belonged to herself. 

There were occasions, when the make-up was gone and she was naked, that she’d look in the mirror, and announce, “I’m Chloe” just to remind herself that she still existed behind the layers of sexuality and bullshit. That somewhere behind the walls of her heart, she was still alive… still breathing.

One day she realizes she hasn’t said anything in weeks that belonged to her. Boys don’t like big girls was her mother. Orgasms set you free was some older girl in the pub bathroom. The music facts she spewed at Finn and Archie were all from Rae, and Chloe knew that they didn’t buy it when Archie made an off noise in the back of his throat and Finn gave her a bored look through his cigarette smoke. 

That’s what scared her the most. People didn’t just see though her, they saw past her. Like they knew she was there but it was too much effort to see her unless they wanted something. Sex, a laugh (at her expense), a verbal punching bag. They knew she was full of shit and pretentious lies but no one ever told her to stop or sought her out in the carnage of her own body. Maybe it was because without her regurgitation and carefully executed regimen, she had nothing. Maybe she really didn’t exist. 

She wakes up and decides to shed it all. Be fearless. No make-up, no dress. Just jeans and a pony tail. She looks in the mirror and see 16 year old Chloe, bright eyed and happy. She presses her fingertips against the reflection and whispers, “Hi” and the girl seems happy to see her. 

But she’s back in her room five minutes later, shedding jeans and pulling on a dress, layering on foundation and blush and lipstick because her mother took one look at her and called her slouchy, told Chloe her skin looked spotty. When she’s finished, she doesn’t look at herself because she can’t stand to see the disappointed look in the mirror. 

Back downstairs, her mum feeds her grapefruit and asks about Finn. Chloe is reluctant to tell her that he turned her down in favor of her best friend.

"He kissed me at the rave," she offfers instead. I kissed him is what she means. I kissed him and the next day he told me it was just a silly thing between mates and did I think anything was going on between Rae and Archie?

Her mum chatters excitedly. He’s such a good looking boy (even with that horrible earring) and when were they going on a date? What’s his parents like? How’s his grades?

Chloe means to answer but all that comes out is “Rae likes him.” 

There’s a pause. An eye roll. “Fat girls will always be infatuated with men they can’t have, and sometimes men will humor them because they’re easy. I think it’s clear that Finn only wants the best, though.” Her mum shakes her head. “I tell you this, Linda Earl deserves to be shot for letting Rae get to be such a size. I would have starved you first.” 

Chloe tries to remember all of this when she gets to the pub. There’s no way Finn wants Rae (who would?) and as for them, maybe Finn was afraid of ruining the gang. She caught her reflection in a window, smooth hair and flat stomach… what boy in his right mind wouldn’t want her?

She spends the night watching Finn watch Rae and then she finds herself watching Rae. No make-up, loud opinions, drinking a beer, and having a go at Chop. She’s all the things Chloe’s mum said men hated yet Rae had Finn eating out of the palm of her hand. 

"You alright?" Rae asked when the lads went for drinks. "You need to talk? We can go back to mine." 

"I’m ok."

"You sure? You’ve been quiet." 

She was quiet because she was filtering everything she though of saying, trying to see if any of it was actually hers and none of it was. She thought of how horrible she had been to Rae, what a shit friend she was. Rae could destroy Chloe in a second by telling everyone about the baby but she chose to lock it in her heart, keep it and Chloe safe. 

Yes, Finn did want the best. 

That night she stands in front of her mirror, eyeshadow and mascara smeared down her cheeks, both hands pressed firmly against the mirror as she searches. “Chloe, where are you? Where the fuck are you, Chloe?” 

But Chloe never answers.


End file.
